Bish-bosh where's my dosh
Money. I can state unequivocably that I am a beatifically smiling fucking retard when it comes to cash. Anyone who knows me personally will attest to this. "Brewski? Money? Not in this life pal. You 'avin a laugh?" Together with my complete inability to plan further ahead than the next hour, my lack of control over my rather emaciated wad makes for a winning combination. When I get paid my wallet sounds like a bank note-counting machine, but instead of flitting the bills extremely quickly into a neat pile it flits them willy-nilly into the pockets of drug-dealers, vendors of alcohol and other sundry cunts. I have tried talking about it to both my wallet and my reason, but since they are both wholly inanimate it did no good whatsoever.
Willy-nilly? Fuck off!
Hey girls, here's something that will flick your clit: I don't give a fuck what you look like or who you are, I want to kiss the baby-spot on your inner ankle. Unless you are Condoleeza Rice. If you have the singular misfortune to be she, you can simply fuck off and die, you fucking monster. (Is that first sentence slightly offensive, a bit close to the bone, a touch taboo? Fuck knows!)
Whooaah. Rein 'em in there boy.
Just so you're a fully informed, after writing that woman's name I had to hurriedly get busy and roll a quite massive cone. I have now neither the faculties nor the inclination to dwell on that shit. Fantastic work. I should get a promotion.
Money? What? What the fuck you talking about? Oh yeah, shit.
So anyway money. Bollocks to it, what? My quite flagrant inability to get my head round it has caused friends, family and I to despair on occasion, and also even non-occasion, such as lunch or a quick pint. Pints. Pints always pints. Never 'pint'. Fuck 'pint'. And 'quick' can fuck off out of it too. My peculiar relationship with money plays out in funny little ways. In the 7-11 I will be in control of my movement and intellect right up to the point when I start to pay the cashier. Then, I will miraculously fumble the shit out of everything and start speaking in tongues. Coins will drop, bills will be origamied together and sometimes thrown in the air, cashiers will think "Fuck me but those foreign cunts have lost it", and I will blush like a young lad caught wanking in a cousins bedroom.
Another expression of my eccen-fucking-tricity with money is bartering. It is beyond me entirely. I sort of turn to jelly inside.
Me: How lick I mean how much?
Vendor: 50.
Me: Alright.
Honestly man I canna do it.
One for the road? Let me rack it up though cuz the last one you chopped was fucking tiny. And give me a beer.
Sirrah!
"I heard that Palestinian Special Forces have crept into Sharon's room and rigged up a screen so that the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes is Hotrocks. They have a spy-cam in there to record the head explosion. Good lads." Some deluded fuck.
Addendum: That should be 'happily' deluded fuck. End of fucking addendum.
posted by Brewski @ 6:51 pm
12 comments
12 Comments:
Apparently you are the male version of mwah...I, too, spend money like I have truckloads of it! Sadly, I do not.
Baby-spot on the inner ankle, hmm? That's a clit-flicker for sure!
(clearly, I'm not offended by the choice of words...)
when i was in bartering territory i found that learning the local language for "are you fucking jesting mate?" and then saying it aggressively tended to bring the price down sharply.
Use it well my friend
Telling barterees to fuck right off brings the price down whatever language the bartering started in.
Similarly I can't barter. I always seem to say stupid things like "wow, that's really cheap", so the next item I enquire about gets another 20% added on.... I'm just a total spaz about shit like that.
Brewski - When the vendor says "50" just say (with a wide smile) - is that for three or four? He/She laughs at your audicity, you laugh back and you have a bit of a haggle and they take the price down - it should be a bit of fun and a good deal for both of you!
That picture of the origami dragon has made my chest tight.
Origami for me, sums up the Japs. The weirdest bunch going. Fiddly fuckers. No offence.
Japanese culture is well anal and no mistake Good D. Although they hit the sweet spot with sushi, miso and sashimi in my book. Crafty fuckers. Koizumi is also a bit of a cunt - Japan is getting right aggressive unfortunately.
Mmm sushi... but anyplace that has a major problem with arse grabbing must be doing something right, eh?
Yep I'm with you on the bartering thing. I used to cold/hot sweat my way around the markets in barter-land. The first time (as with so many things) was the most difficult. I never got good at bartering though and could never do it with an audience.
And yeah, Ms. Rice is a gender/race/species traitor as far as I'm concerned. She's a disgrace (and not in a good way).
You should only try to barter with members of origami-inclined cultures. They tend to fold easier.
rurmasu: the ancient and complex Japanese art of haggling, involving tea, extreme politeness and very big swords.
Mist-Most, where's the post?
clearly, many of you have no idea what the word barter means. It is not the same as bargain or haggle, which can be applied to transactions involving cash. Barter on the other hand, refers to the exchange of goods or services for, and pay close attention here, goods or services. There is no cash in a barter system. Zip. Zero. Zilch. I'd give ya few more z words there but brewski won't lend me his damn copy of the Thought Gang.
I happen to love scrabble, especially the 2 letter words. My favorite 2 letter scrabble word is Mm. My favorite 3 letter one is Mmm.
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