Narcissus had cataracts

I'll tell you about a terrible ordeal I went through: being a teenager. Oh, it happened to you as well? Who would've thought it? Was it fucking nightmare or what? I wish someone could have done a Mr. T on me and sedated me to fuck so I woke up when I was 20. I was a right fucking div. I still am, but back then I hadn't reconciled myself to the fact. My Mum was worried initially because for a few years all I did was read. I wouldn't go out. I read fucking everything, apart from The Koran and War and Peace. Eventually one evening when my Mum was catching her breath between huge slugs of red wine, she tenderly asked me, "Brewski, are you a gayer?" I looked up from whatever Asian philosophy I wasn't understanding at all and said, "What the fuck did you say?" She said "Are you a little Irish fruit-topping?" I eased her mind, "Fuck off Mum. Course not. I am bang into bitches". Eventually I started going out and my Mum wished that I hadn't, since I went fucking mental getting beaten up, vandalizing shit, and generally comin' on with a-one delinquency. Gwarn! Have that, 'O Mum 'o mine.

Never sniffed glue or hairspray though. What do you think I am, some sort of cunt? Sex at 17, good, wholesome drugs like cannabis at 19. Should be a legal requirement.

If you've never had a laughing fit while fucking mashed on mushrooms you have not fucking lived by the way. It is official.

That's right, continuity has been lost once again. We can expect spells of bullshit for the rest of the post, along with a high chance of random squalls. Tie down your chickens. See?

Time for some vitriolic bile, methinks. Erm....Ha! Aaaargh! Is there nothing more evil than a pack of crisps (chips for fuck's sake, to you silly buggers in N.America) that won't open? Shit on me if that doesn't suck. Especially in public. People are like, "Look at that fucking spaz. The poor cunt must have leukemia". Any plastic packaging that clings stubbornly to it's contents fucking blows my gauges. Few weeks ago it took me half an hour to unwrap a new phonecard. I am now going to hell because God particularly liked the string of invectives I directed toward Him, the fucking wuss. Hasn't he seen Goodfellas? Joe Pesci is fucked when He does.

And something else that bakes my noodle is stainless steel. It is very fucking useful, I will grant you that, but in the form of cutlery, lots of cutlery all banging together, it is heinous. The sound of it tinnily rubbing together is for cunts, and I will not tolerate it. Just so you know.

Ah yes. Yes indeed. Quite. (Takes another cocktail sausage).

Some people say it's a small world. They are so obviously deluded it is breathtaking. The world is fucking massive! When someone says that, ask them if they would like to try and pick it up. "Go on then you cunt, if it's so small, let's have a game of marbles. I'll use the moon shall I?" Then call them 'a right cunt' and turn away dismissively. That'll learn 'em.

Making a joke out of the non-literality of idioms is fucking pathetic really, isn't it? Like a souffle that doesn't rise. Although I have never attempted to cook souffle, so how the fuck would I know?

And here's another question that nibbles at my nibblables: Scrabble. Scrabble? Scrabble. I hate it with a fervent passion. What a fucking awful 'game'. It is the epitome of anality, banality and some other -ality that escapes me. "That's not a word!" "Isn't it? It is now, you cunt". Fucking hell chop my genitals off and pickle them in brine, after cauterizing the wound with a burning panatella. I'll be a traumatized eunuch before I play that fucking 'game' ever again. You ever seen a Scrabble Dictionary? Just abstract bollocks mate. And while we're about it, backgammon. Nothing to do with ham, and fucking shit. I have spoken.

Sirrah!

"What the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I doing...." Someone playing curling.