6.1.06

Narcissus had cataracts


I'll tell you about a terrible ordeal I went through: being a teenager. Oh, it happened to you as well? Who would've thought it? Was it fucking nightmare or what? I wish someone could have done a Mr. T on me and sedated me to fuck so I woke up when I was 20. I was a right fucking div. I still am, but back then I hadn't reconciled myself to the fact. My Mum was worried initially because for a few years all I did was read. I wouldn't go out. I read fucking everything, apart from The Koran and War and Peace. Eventually one evening when my Mum was catching her breath between huge slugs of red wine, she tenderly asked me, "Brewski, are you a gayer?" I looked up from whatever Asian philosophy I wasn't understanding at all and said, "What the fuck did you say?" She said "Are you a little Irish fruit-topping?" I eased her mind, "Fuck off Mum. Course not. I am bang into bitches". Eventually I started going out and my Mum wished that I hadn't, since I went fucking mental getting beaten up, vandalizing shit, and generally comin' on with a-one delinquency. Gwarn! Have that, 'O Mum 'o mine.

Never sniffed glue or hairspray though. What do you think I am, some sort of cunt? Sex at 17, good, wholesome drugs like cannabis at 19. Should be a legal requirement.

If you've never had a laughing fit while fucking mashed on mushrooms you have not fucking lived by the way. It is official.

That's right, continuity has been lost once again. We can expect spells of bullshit for the rest of the post, along with a high chance of random squalls. Tie down your chickens. See?

Time for some vitriolic bile, methinks. Erm....Ha! Aaaargh! Is there nothing more evil than a pack of crisps (chips for fuck's sake, to you silly buggers in N.America) that won't open? Shit on me if that doesn't suck. Especially in public. People are like, "Look at that fucking spaz. The poor cunt must have leukemia". Any plastic packaging that clings stubbornly to it's contents fucking blows my gauges. Few weeks ago it took me half an hour to unwrap a new phonecard. I am now going to hell because God particularly liked the string of invectives I directed toward Him, the fucking wuss. Hasn't he seen Goodfellas? Joe Pesci is fucked when He does.

And something else that bakes my noodle is stainless steel. It is very fucking useful, I will grant you that, but in the form of cutlery, lots of cutlery all banging together, it is heinous. The sound of it tinnily rubbing together is for cunts, and I will not tolerate it. Just so you know.

Ah yes. Yes indeed. Quite. (Takes another cocktail sausage).

Some people say it's a small world. They are so obviously deluded it is breathtaking. The world is fucking massive! When someone says that, ask them if they would like to try and pick it up. "Go on then you cunt, if it's so small, let's have a game of marbles. I'll use the moon shall I?" Then call them 'a right cunt' and turn away dismissively. That'll learn 'em.

Making a joke out of the non-literality of idioms is fucking pathetic really, isn't it? Like a souffle that doesn't rise. Although I have never attempted to cook souffle, so how the fuck would I know?

And here's another question that nibbles at my nibblables: Scrabble. Scrabble? Scrabble. I hate it with a fervent passion. What a fucking awful 'game'. It is the epitome of anality, banality and some other -ality that escapes me. "That's not a word!" "Isn't it? It is now, you cunt". Fucking hell chop my genitals off and pickle them in brine, after cauterizing the wound with a burning panatella. I'll be a traumatized eunuch before I play that fucking 'game' ever again. You ever seen a Scrabble Dictionary? Just abstract bollocks mate. And while we're about it, backgammon. Nothing to do with ham, and fucking shit. I have spoken.

Sirrah!

"What the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I doing what the fuck am I doing...." Someone playing curling.

11 Comments:

At 8:03 pm, Blogger Dr Maroon said...

A fabulous piece of work. I raise my tea to you in respect.

 
At 8:33 pm, Blogger Brewski said...

Morning cuppa there Good D.?

 
At 8:39 pm, Blogger El Barbudo said...

You want to know what worse than being a teenager? Having fucking teenagers living with you. The cunts. I asked my doctor to knock me out for 12 years while the fuckers grew up, but the cunt wouldn't do it.

So I got his wife pregnant when she was 44, so that at the point he was looking forward to retirement he'd have a fucking teenager in the house to deal with.

That'll teach the bastard.

 
At 11:12 pm, Blogger Philip said...

I rather like Scrabble, except when it gets all geeky over two-letter words which are used for amassing three-figure turn scores and which are defined as "an extinct bonsai species of Himalayan flying ox". Shooting at little computer-generated images which shriek with pain or explode spectacularly or both is much more healthy for the temper.

fqlejioe: Montmartre thieves' slang for the uvula.
"Qu'est-ce que c'est que ça, Gilbert, que vous portez sur le chemise?"
"C'est le fqlejioe d'un flic. Trés joli, non?"

 
At 12:10 am, Blogger The Mayor said...

laughing my ass off

I have to agree with El Barbudo, teenagers living with you is MUCH worse than being one, especially when they are step teenagers...

 
At 1:26 am, Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

i hated being a teenager. too old to do kids stuff and too young to properly do adult stuff (except going out and getting mashed)

i did my fair share of delinquency too.

 
At 3:37 pm, Blogger Brewski said...

ElB - class in a glass mate, cracks me up.
Philip - Thinly veiled criticism of gaming, or an acknowledgement that gaming is as cerebral as any traditional boardgame? Like 'Operation'. Only you can decide. Ou et la fenetre?
Mayor-girl - May you have the strength and compassion to deal with your teenagers - (Spanish accent) you can do eet!
Dr.E - good lad.
MTT - details, if you would.
God - fuck you.

 
At 4:49 pm, Blogger Philip said...

Neither of the above. I like Scrabble as long as it isn't too geeky, and I also like blasting the living crap out of computer-generated enemies. Cerebrality is not an issue.

skabg - a type of Swedish soufflé (aka søufflå which doesn't rise.

 
At 3:00 am, Blogger Raoul Djukanovic said...

Was this part of the fusion philosophy that got youo out of the house in the end? Or just another of the screeds that mashed your head up beforehand?

I think of going to the grave without having a psychedelic experience like going to the grave without ever having sex. It means that you never figured out what it is all about. The mystery is in the body and the way the body works itself into nature. What the Archaic Revival means is shamanism, ecstacy, orgiastic sexuality, and the defeat of the three enemies of the people. And the three enemies of the people are hegemony, monogamy and monotony! And if you get them on the run you have the dominators sweating folks, because that means your getting it all reconnected, and getting it all reconnected means putting aside the idea of separateness and self-definition through thing-fetish.

Either way, the synthesiser's changed his tune:

He took the drug dozens of times after that, he said, and once experienced what he called a "horror trip" when he was tired and Mr. Junger gave him amphetamines first. But his hallucinogenic days are long behind him.

"I know LSD; I don't need to take it anymore," Mr. Hofmann said. "Maybe when I die, like Aldous Huxley," who asked his wife for an injection of LSD to help him through the final painful throes of his fatal throat cancer.

 
At 2:28 pm, Blogger Binty McShae said...

Being a teenager sucks. Living with them is a bastard. Trying to teach the cunts is a whole other matter......

WV: zxeqfp = Fucking good triple-word scorer for scrabble.

 
At 5:42 pm, Blogger Brewski said...

Philip - cerebrality certainly is an issue if you are as fucking thick as me.
Raoul - nice one. I find psychedelic lore and investigation fascinating. And you have a very juicy name. Say 'Raoul' deeply and slowly. Then say 'jojoba'. Fucking great. I say that as a mantra to calm down.
Binty - if you teach teenagers you certainly are hatstand. I can't do it. And you can stick that triple word score up your arse!

 

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