I have fucking lost it

I have been confined to my house for almost two weeks with a bad back, and I am now officially hatstand. You should see the fucking state of me. 'Bout a week ago I thought I was on the mend, then woke up one morning and someone had shifted my hips two inches to the left again, without the permission of my spine. Counting chickens can fuck right off.

So can Tom Cruise. What a cunt.

And what the fuck is up with tea ceremonies? All that delicate fucking palaver and not a drop of the good stuff? Are you insane? Same with birthday celebrations that consist of cake and coffee. Just plain wrong. If you've ever been to a pub and not had a drink you are a fucking pervert and should be placed on a watch-list.

A friend imparted this delightful nugget the other day: the quack of a duck does not echo. Beware the stealth-ducks. And watch out for sheep as well the dodgy cunts, especially at night. 'The quack of a duck does not echo' is actually an old Chinese proverb meaning, 'There is no evil. Do what the fuck you want'.

My feet are cold, and it's your fucking fault. I demand redress.

Oscar Wilde was a stupid little bitch for counter-suing the Marquis of Queensberry. He could write the shit out of stuff though. Ballad of Reading Gaol? Gwarn you effette William Morris-loving old tart you!

If you have ever studied the philosophy of math, then we have a problem my friend. That is some weird shit right there.

And what the cunt is going on with quantum physics? Quarks? Nano-technology? Buckyballs? Eh? Eh? I also cannot fathom the combustion engine and air brakes, which means what? Correct! They can most assuredly be fucked!

I had a mountain bike in Holland called 'The Cycle of Violence'. I believe it was the basis of Steven King's 'Christine'.

Fucking hell. You still here?

You ever seen someone snort wasabi? Ha! I fucking win. (Again).

I'll bet you any money you haven't read 'War and Peace' and The Koran. The bet is null and void if your name is Philip. I haven't read them either, so don't you worry By God, we're in this thing together.

You ever seen 'The Wickerman' with Edward Woodward? Those young tranced-out women in the spooky village are well sexy, what? Female vampires also turn me right on, for some kinked-out reason.

Ah yes, you posit a legitimate enquiry. 'What the fuck am I on about?' indeed. Food for thought and no mistake. My reply? 'You can go and get bent, you fucking gnat. Can't you see I've gone mental? Have a heart.'

We also have a problem if you own a pair of inline-skates. Fruit-boots are for cunts. Buy a skateboard for fuck's sake. Any chance?

Yeah, yeah I know it's only 3.30pm and I shouldn't be hitting the whiskey, but I figure it's Christmas, my boss's patience is running thin and if I lose my job my life is completely fucked, my back is screaming at me to lie the fuck down, I don't have any clean clothes because I'm unable to go to the launderette, we all die in the end, and dandelions are right crap.



Thought for the day: Bollocks.

Sirrah!

"I could not give two good fucks about apathy". Britain's voting population.