Oi! Fuckface! You feeling lucky?

Great God Almighty when I look back at some of the stupid shit I've done I'm astounded I'm still in one piece. I am a lucky cocksucker and no mistake. Seriously. The litany of near misses is fucking Biblical. This is discounting of course the fully intentional laser guided targeting of my brain matter with the clusterbombs of fine alcohol and all manner of narcotics. Fuck my brain anyway, the stupid cunt. To illustrate the power of my Guardian Angel, get a load of this shit:

'Bout three years ago, a Saturday eve found me getting fucked right up. On Demented Isle there's no fucking licencing laws, one of the main reasons I've been here awhile. I love landlords and landladies, and they adore me, so the joint fucking shuts when you crawl out the door. It was about 8.00am on a beautiful Sunday morning, the tropical sunshine bright gold on the palms, the ancient fruit and vegetable sellers recoiling happily from our small group's utter depravity as we wandered down the road to a large park. At that hour old bastards throng the parks to practice Tai-Chi, walk backwards with arms wildly swinging (I've no clue either) and generally do stupid shit that I suppose invigorates them in readiness for their day of screaming at their families. They also have ball-dancing classes on sandy ground under the massive canopies of 300-year-old banyan trees.

After snogging a girl I barely knew, and really didn't like very much, I noticed one such dancing group. I decided to climb into the tree and spy on them from above. As you do. I duly did so, and reached my objective, obscured in the foliage suspended about fifteen feet directly above them on a thick branch. I am not a clumsy, weaving fucking drunkard. I keep my shit together. I bet I could drink you cunts right under the table. Anyway, somehow, some way I fucking fell off, falling only like a drunk foreign cunt can. Heavily, and with bemusement. Bang into the middle of about fifteen waltzing coffin-dodgers. And I missed them all. Every single one of the cunts. I landed woomph! Took a few seconds to breathe again, and stood up, to find myself facing the old woman instructor. Without the slightest pause, as if it were the most natural thing in the world, she assumed the position and said in perfect English, "Let's begin. One two three, one two three...." And we began waltzing. Fucking surreal shit. After a minute or so I muttered something about having to, um, go, and she graciously bowed as I fucked off.

So anyway, I didn't kill anyone by falling from the heavens. What an ignonimous end for a poor old cunt that would be.

Anyway, I'm interested to hear about your luck, because I seem to have a huge surplus of the stuff. And no. You can't fucking have any, you mooching fucking cunt you.
Sirrah!

"Aagh, great hands". Anon. You know it.