Come an' 'ave a go if you think you're 'ard enough

This afternoon I sat in my friend's garden in Oxfordshire as the first tendrils of Spring laid themselves over the land. I was fucking astounded. Particularly by the birds and their song. Exquisite. Two doves who have chilled in the apple tree every afternoon came and nuzzled each other for a bit as I skinned the fuck up and drank Stella. Gwarn.

What the fuck is up with haiku? I'll tell you. It's fucking shit.

I'm awfully sorry, I'm doing it again, aren't I? Being all random and shit. Three words: Am I bovvered? Easy.

Have you ever heard the expression 'just keepin' me oar in'? Fantastic. Good for you.

I'm going to Tipperary in a couple of days to stay in a friends cottage, the nearest neighbour half a mile away. I plan to get blind drunk and run around roaring a lot, brandishing a scythe or a .22 perhaps. Scare some cows and shit. Fall over. You know the drill. I was going to stay there on my own while my friend goes camping for a week in the mountains, but you know what? That Blair witch movie scared me shitless, so I'm going to fuck off to the safety of Dublin pubs. Spooky fucking houses in the middle of nowhere can most assuredly fuck off.

The British pub is fucked is it not? Village pubs are dying out, and those chain cunts are taking everything over and ruining shit. Gastro-pub? Be fucked!

I would dearly love to extend these short observations into something more substantial but.

I remember years ago doing poppers with two friends of mine who were raging queens. I ended up lying on the floor looking for my girlfriend. In her handbag. Poppers are funny shit. Only do it once though. That way, you have half a brain left.

To compassionately shoot this fucker in the head, have this: a cat you feel great affection for lazily approaches you as you stand in a Spring garden with a Stella and a Camberwell Carrot. As it reaches you, instead of rubbing itself against your shins, it stretches up to place it's paws on your upper thigh, simultaeneously coming on like that cunt in X-Men with the claws. You shriek like a girl and headbutt your own beer can. You feel like a cunt.

Sirrah!

"I am a fucking looper" Any BASE-jumper.