17.5.06

I favour you with my wisdom


Cider and red wine paired of an eve will give you a terrible bastard behind the eyes. You are thus informed.

After a long, dramatic pause, a roaring drunk Irishman gave me this advice recently, "Brewski. Invest in wigs. They'll never goway". Fucking tool.

A pair of cork-soled, strappy shoes on a woman turns me right on, and I have no idea why. Neither have I any inkling why I should divulge such information to you. Case closed.

Here is another fatuous sentence that means fuck all while I try to think of something that enrages the fuck out of me. As that twat Eminem sings, "I just rhymed a whole song and didn't say shit".

I have it! Guns! Fuck guns. I have a suspicion that if I ever held a loaded gun, I would experience something akin to the inexplicable feeling I get if I am near the edge of a cliff or other high point; namely to take a running jump off the fucking thing. However, holding a loaded gun this feeling would manifest itself in a juicy desire to shoot someone through the back of the knee. Then with slitted eyes deftly unscrew the silencer and flit like a shadow through the billowing bay window curtains. I tell you what, getting kneecapped must fucking suck. And what causes those shattered patellas? That's right: guns. Fuck 'em. And some of those shots took Kennedy out from the FRONT you cunts.

Also: sewing machines. They are rank. With that pedal and shit. They want to hurt you. You can tell from the sound they make when the pedal is operated, the noise is like, "Ah....now.....I'm coursingwithelectricityandmyfuckingneedlegoingimpossiblyfastwill fuckingbiteyoucomeherecomehereyoucuntIwillfuckyouup......". Stephen King should address this in a short story the spooky cunt.

Beck's bottled beer is shithouse. They're too small you stingy German fucks. Let's be 'avin the Grolsch steez, but without those stupid ceramic stoppers. I also have a penchant for thick-stemmed wine glasses, but who gives a flying fuck about that?

And who the fuck thought up the name 'Chichester'. Is that not a fucking ridiculous name for a city? Chichester. Christ.

Having said that, there is a tube station in London called 'Mudchute'. I kid you fucking not.

And with orgasmic crescendo, I give you this: roasted peanuts rock. And pistachios are also triumphant. As is performing cunnilingus on your sexy babe. Go on life, you cheeky cunt you.

Sirrah!

"Why me?" One of Shane Macgowan's teeth.

14 Comments:

At 2:29 pm, Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

my cousin lives nearish to mudchute.

i also know someone who lives near a village called "sheepscum"

you can read that two ways.

 
At 9:54 pm, Blogger Philip said...

Chichester is named for a king called Cissa. the chester, bit comes from the Latin word for camp. Hence, in modern English, Chichester means "Camp Cissy".

rhrjxojv: Brewski apologising, through newly McGowaned dentition, to a citizen of Chichester for calling him a "cissicampian"

 
At 4:50 am, Blogger Brewski said...

I just can't get over 'Chichester'. Imagine being the Mayor, having to introduce yourself all the time. "I am the Mayor of Chichester". If anyone said that to me I would come on with a haymaking slap. Cissicampian motherfuckers.

 
At 8:10 am, Blogger Binty McShae said...

Tell you where I would love to be mayor... a little town in the Orkneys with a delightful name... Oh, to be the Mayor of Twat!

 
At 10:54 am, Blogger Karen said...

Well I have already written this once but due to my lack of PC skills lost the comment in my registration process. So anyways what I wanted to say was that I have just read my good friend Brewskis blog and am very surprised at the content and language used because the person I know in the flesh does not speak like this! He is now squinting at me over my left shoulder seriously worried about me trashing his street cred or should that be 'blog' cred. Anyways toodle pip happy sandals x
K

 
At 6:41 pm, Blogger Philip said...

You mean in real life he swears more?

 
At 12:34 pm, Blogger Binty McShae said...

No, I reckon she means he's got a lithp.

 
At 11:49 pm, Blogger Foot Eater said...

There's a town in Austria called Fucking. Apparently the council spends a small fortune each year replacing the signs stolen by tourists.

 
At 8:30 pm, Anonymous G. said...

Brewski actually has quite resonant, masculine speaking voice - no hint of a lisp. His typing however is fruity as fuck. Its those long slender fingers, eh Brewboy?

 
At 4:22 am, Blogger Philip said...

You mean Brewski is a hotkey-fumbling, numlock-fondling, don't-press-my-shift-key-too-hard-today-darling-I'll-just-fucking-die secret keyboard pansy? No, that I will never believe. Not till I see the photographs, anyway.

 
At 7:33 am, Blogger Brewski said...

You are all mental.

 
At 7:56 pm, Blogger SafeTinspector said...

Peanuts are good, while German beer is overrated. I give the post a 7.5!

 
At 7:58 pm, Blogger SafeTinspector said...

Foot:Did I ever mention that there is a city named "Climax" in Michigan?
Also a "Bad Axe," and a "Hell" Michigan.

 
At 12:12 am, Blogger lucien de la peste said...

Don't lie. Mudchute's like Hillingdon. Nobody actually lives there.

 

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