31.5.06

Punching people tends to make them fall down


It is about time someone did something. The situation as it stands is absolutely intolerable. "To what do you refer?", I hear you say. Why, I refer of course to cunts. There is far too many of them around these days. Everyone babbles on about climate change, the sudden realization of a whole population that knives can be used to stab people, and John Prescott, but what about cunts? We are surrounded by legions of utter ones! Serried ranks of bunches of them! Even my left thumb and wrist have succumbed. I fucked them up trying to fuck my friend up while fucked, and now my thumb is swollen and my wrist is comin' on with mad shooting pains. Surrounded by cunts I tell you.

Moral panics. Fucking ludicrous. The British media has gone mental about knives, and the apparent sudden rise in every fucker getting sliced/cut/shivved. I can't comprehend how anyone over 25 can work in news media. The older you get the more transparent, circus-like and incestuous it becomes. Inane cocksucking diversionary bollocks. And what's with every cunt self-harming these days anyway? The world has fucking left me behind pal.

My friend showed me a clip of a skateboarder trying to grind a rail. I like skating, and I've seen a fair few skate videos in my time, with a lot of slam sections, breaking bones and ting. But this clip was special. The guy gets up on the rail but leaning too far back. He hits the deck with his arm behind him, you only hear the gunshot crack of snap. He sits, and brings his left arm in front of him. His forearm is snapped in the middle, grotesque angle. Nothing special there, seen loads of those. This guy, however, in his shock, decides the best thing to do would be to push that bitch back into position. So he leans it on the floor and tries to do just that. He lets go and it just sort of springs back to that horrible angle. Fucking grim. That's proper self-harm right there, not slicing 'I am a cunt' into your pallid skin, you poncey emo fucks you.

Imagine being a crack-baby. You'd be raging.

I never knew Jon Voight was the father of Angelina Alien-Head Jolie until recently. If you don't like Midnight Cowboy you can fuck right off by the way.

I note with interest that a team of eminent physicists have declared that quantum physics is, and I quote, "fucked in the head. We haven't got the faintest. Fuck it all".

Also of note is the fact that human beings are the only species on the planet that are total cunts. The only other species that comes close is the magpie, and they're only utter wankers.

Ah (sheilds eyes, looks into distance). The caravan cometh. Fill thy skins with water, load up the beasts of such sad burden, and off we fucketh.

Sirrah!

"My poor old bones". Geronimo.

10 Comments:

At 10:56 am, Blogger Binty McShae said...

I would have thought that Prescott easily falls into the category of "Cunt"...

As far as self-harmers go, you've provoked me to post on the subject...

 
At 1:56 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well... I feel more of a cunt than ever after reading your blog.

 
At 4:18 pm, Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Deliverance was on the TV recently. You forget how good films used to be. Angelina should watch more of them. That Mr and Mrs Smith was a fucking shocker. And friend or not, drunk or sober, you ALWAYS keep your thumb tucked in. I thought you were a proper drinker. It's the first thing you learn.

 
At 4:51 am, Blogger justin barker said...

Tucked in? No, no, no curled under, but not too far under mind you. Midnight Cowboy was good so was Deliverence. Movies used to be tastefull now they're just brutal like Bad Education.

 
At 6:40 am, Blogger Brewski said...

Anonymous I would never cast aspersions upon those who do self-harm, if you are one of them. All in jest. I skated for the first time in a long while today and took pleasure in the bath I took afterwards, the hot water stinging my skinless elbow like fuck. Same thing, no? Who was that pop star that carved 4 real into his arm? Buy a skateboard you twat. Good D. I know, I know, I hang my head in shame. I think I bruised his ribs though. Justin you have hit the sweet spot!

 
At 4:40 pm, Blogger Dr Maroon said...

Not tucked into your fist J Barker in Valencia, if you do that you'll break it. I meant tucked in, in the sense of not protruding.
Curled under, yes, alright, I'll give you that.
I'll probably take a right beating in the Front Bar this weekend now because I'll be thinking too much about it.

 
At 1:40 am, Blogger michael the tubthumper said...

i think you are letting badgers off lightly.

 
At 6:26 am, Blogger Foot Eater said...

I think we're all getting tired of saying 'where the fuck are you, Brewski?', so I won't add to the misery.

 
At 2:43 am, Blogger Philip said...

Brewski, come out of there this instant.

 
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